Cathy's Page

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wrong again

Posted by Cathy Douglas on November 17, 2010 at 12:13 PM Comments comments (2)

They're out doing the driver's tests, so I made his bed.  Oh my god.

Wrong about one thing

Posted by Cathy Douglas on November 17, 2010 at 9:39 AM Comments comments (0)

There's one symptom Dan doesn't have yet:  throwing up.  A bunch of posters on that health website said their loved ones vomited huge amounts of bile right before the end.  He's had practically zero nausea throughout this thing, even when he was on chemo, and what little he eats, he keeps down.

Every day, it goes like this--do I want him to live, or do I want him to die?  I feel both ways and neither, guilty about either ineffectual choice.  He'...

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Posted by Cathy Douglas on November 16, 2010 at 2:08 PM Comments comments (0)

I'm not doing too well.  Friday and Saturday, Dan was so sick, incoherent on Friday and sleeping all day Saturday.  I dragged myself through work, feeling like I shouldn't even be there, that I could lose him at any time.  Sunday, though, he was better.  I was so happy.  Monday too.  But that almost makes it harder, because now he's getting worse again, and every time this happens it's worse than the last time.  Today we were going through his papers, which ...

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Spiel mit Mir

Posted by Cathy Douglas on November 14, 2010 at 6:11 AM Comments comments (0)

(Journal entry from almost a year ago)

Yesterday I figured out why I only listen to Rammstein in the winter.  On the way to the bus stop I was stomping along with Live aus Berlin in the CD player, kicking snow, nobody outside, growling "Bestrafe mich" along with Till Lindemann, trying not to goose-step, thinking, this is what makes winter fun.  The bike will stay in the garage now till sometime in March, unless we have a major thaw.  So I'll be wal...

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Found Letter, Close to Home

Posted by Cathy Douglas on November 14, 2010 at 6:08 AM Comments comments (1)

Printed in rounded script on binder paper, in pencil, not crumpled, simply tossed away on the bike path:


Dear Delucci

you be blowing the fuck out of me man real talk its like every time I ask you to come over my house you say got to smoke first or you be with yo friends.  Delucci if I can leave my friends to go be with you, you can to and you alway tell me that you going to do some thing but dont you ...

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See Change

Posted by Cathy Douglas on November 4, 2010 at 9:20 AM Comments comments (0)

Madison spent yesterday being collectively depressed about the election.  Sales were off at the store, and the customers who came in were full of gloom.  We lost Russ Feingold as senator and put a Republican in the Governor's mansion, and watched as the rest of the country bounced over the net to the other side of the ping-pong table.  Blip, blip, blip.  War, overblown highway and insurance industries, recession:  still there.  I give it another dozen years. ...

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Title Goes Here

Posted by Cathy Douglas on October 22, 2010 at 12:01 PM Comments comments (1)

I made a little project of this, using a collection by Mary Oliver, several anthologies, a Florence + the Machine album, and a copy of Willow Review just sent to me by Kathleen Kirk.  I chose poems by title, then read them (or listened to them).  Reactions:

Buck Moon -- From the Field Guide to Insects, by Mary Oliver.  It was the insects that sold me.  I would have thought a series on moon names would go into the name as well as the character of the month...

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What's your porn star name?

Posted by Cathy Douglas on October 17, 2010 at 11:52 AM Comments comments (11)

The internet must be responsible for these goofy games that keep making the rounds.  It's definitely responsible for the dispersal of mile-long surveys, the revival of chain letters, and the dreaded tweets.  (Does anyone stay active on Twitter longer than a few months?  After all, most of life is pretty repetitive, and who wants to keep thumbing in "I'm sniffing my dirty underwear to see if it's time to do wash"?)  But we've also seen a blossoming of new water cooler games...

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Posted by Cathy Douglas on October 17, 2010 at 11:52 AM Comments comments (0)

We got our bathroom torn out and put halfway back together over the past couple days, and in the midst of the wreckage three women from Hospice came over to talk to us.  I could gush over what a truly positive experience this was.  


For one thing, these people acknowledge what's going on. It's their business to help out people who are getting ready to die, and they don't pussy-foot around that.  Even Dan's doctors and nurses are always talking abo...

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Here's why I stayed late at work

Posted by Cathy Douglas on October 17, 2010 at 11:49 AM Comments comments (0)

No lie, I had a hard time making it through work today.  I was pretty rattled by the news this morning.


When Zach came to pick Ashley up, we let him watch the store for awhile while I told her about all that's going on with me.  She's totally supportive about whatever I need to do--stay home Tuesday to meet with the hospice people, do my computer work at home, cut hours now and add them back later.  She said, whatever it takes.  I appreciate that forever...

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